Culture Clash
by Rashaka
Summary: [drabble series] Zuko & Katara: The True Hollywood Story! A boy, a girl, and a bit of legal confusion equals a love story so powerful it makes baby!Jesus cry. Or it would, if baby!Jesus existed in Avatarverse.
1. Culture Clash

Post episode-18. Humor.

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**Culture Clash**

The young firebender read the parchment aloud, voice noticeably rising in volume as he went along.

"_From High Chief Taizen Arnook of the Northern Water Tribe, for the eyes of his young lordship Prince Zuko of the Fire Nation_.

Prince Zuko,

According to our intelligence records, for a period longer than a moon's cycle you were in personal possession of a particular hand-carved necklace (see attached drawing), and the aforementioned necklace is now in the sacred possession of Lady Katara, companion of the Avatar. As a new student of the Northern Water Tribe Katara has been automatically awarded dual citizenship, and is subject to the laws therein. According to the Flame & Ice Treaty of 18896 codifying marriage laws and rights across international borders the Northern Water Tribe CONGRATULATES YOU ON YOUR BETROTHAL AND WISHES YOU CONVEY THESE HAPPY SENTIMENTS** TO YOUR FATHER PROMPTLY _PLEASE ACCEPT THIS COMPLEMENTARY TEA BAG?"_**

There was a thump, and General Iroh opened the door to find his nephew unconscious on the rug.

"Prince Zuko…? …Ooh, tea!"


	2. Got mail?

Okay, I was planning for this to be a one-shot, but little drabble joke ideas keep sneaking back in. I might keep adding, might not. Either way, don't expect anything more serious than pervasive and abject silliness to result.

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-1 week later- 

"Did today's mail come?" Iroh asked, knocking.

Zuko's door opened, a crumpled paper ball flew out and hit Iroh in the forehead, and the door slammed shut again with a petulant bang.

"Beloved son," Iroh read with bemusement.

"After negotiations with the Northern Water Tribe I have found a new method by which you may restore you honor without all that Avatar nonsense. You are hereby ordered to abandon the search and return with all deliberate speed to the Fire Nation for your impending nuptials."

A faint sound stopped his reading.

In the background, was someone… whimpering?

...Nah. Must've been his imagination.


	3. Don't Believe Everything You Read

Leaving the North Pole and heading back to Earth Country, the trio (and Momo!) were surprised to see a messenger pigeon land on Appa's carriage mid-flight.

"It's a messenger pigeon!" Aang exclaimed.

"It's an_ impressive_ pigeon," Sokka replied, untying the scroll from the bird's leg and passing it on to Katara, whose name was written across the binding ribbon.

She opened the scroll, read it, and burst out laughing.

"Well, what does it say?" Aang pressed.

"Practical joke!" Katara laughed, crumpling the letter and tossed it over the side. "Would you believe, Fire Lord Ozai personally requests my presence in his court?"

"Good one Katara!"

"I bet it was from Madam Wuu, she must have known we needed good laugh."


	4. An Unfortunate Proposal

Chapter 4. Yes, it grows. To what horrible heights, no one knows.

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An Unfortunate Proposal

"Wait, don't run!"

Sokka, Aang, and Katara stopped mid-step, looking back at Zuko. He coughed and kind of shuffled in place.

"I'm not, um, here to capture you."

Though it was foolish, the trio didn't run for their lives. Curiosity was too strong.

"I'm here to… _gods this is embarrassing_… I… Have you been getting messages from the Fire Lord lately?"

Definitely weren't running away _now._ This was just too weird to miss.

"They were practical jokes…" Katara said hesitantly.

"Afraid not. Anyway, I'msupposed to…" here he positively flinched, "offer-you-royal-passage-to-the-capital-as-my-intended."


	5. Don’t Blame The Messenger

**Don't Blame The Messenger**

Zuko was taking this whole process with remarkable aplomb, he thought. Sure there had been a few episodes of panicking at first, followed by completely justified unconsciousness (princes never _faint_), but all in all he'd decided to swallow his childishness and take it like a man.

So he had to marry. Okay. _Okay._ Would've happened someday anyway. Inevitable, really! Not such a big deal. And it was a ticket home! He could cope.

With all the effort he was putting in to be cool about this, Zuko thought it particularly unfair when the Waterboy threw a boomerang at his head.


	6. I Say Tomato, You Say…

This drabble was partially inspired by the FMA/Harry Potter crossover comic strip done bywebcomicV. G. Cats.

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**I Say Tomato, You Say…**

"Hey!"

"She's fourteen you pedophile!"

"_Pedophile?_ You inbred _mongrel serf_—"

"Actually, Sokka," Aang interjected to the two boys wrestling violently on the ground, "in the Fire Nation fourteen _is_ marrying age."

"I'm going to rip your throat out before you touch my sister!"

"How about I give her your scalp as a wedding present!"

"_Oh my god!"_ Katara gasped, looking sharply at Aang. "Do they really _scalp _people?"

"I don't think so…?" Aang replied tentatively. A cloud of dust rose in the background as the boys tried to beat each other bloody.

"Eat dirt peasant!"

"After you carbon-breath!"


	7. General Iroh Of Neverending Patience

**General Iroh Of Neverending Patience**

"Now childr—er—young folk," Iroh said, pacing in front of the surly group. They were lined up: both older boys looking mud-covered and bruised, the girl looking bored, and the Avatar looking like this was the most exciting thing to happen since sliced bread.

"I want you to know that this is for the best, really." Oh dear, all four were glaring at him...

"It means the Fire and Water Nations will stop making war, and Prince Zuko will be back in line for the throne—"

"You're marrying my sister for a rank-up!"

"Now everyone calm—"

"DIE!"


	8. Too Much Information

**T. M. I.**

Iroh and Katara shared a table at the port's local tea house. It was a peacemaking date, meant to allow Iroh to speak in his nephew's place—basically he was there to plead with the girl to go along with the marriage plan.

"He's really a sweet kid."

Flat stare.

"It's true he yells at people a lot and he's got a short temper, but if you can get him to stop thinking about his mission for a few minutes, then he's a very likeable boy."

Iroh grasped at straws.

"And… he's athletic! Strong legs."

Katara choked on her tea.


	9. The Principle Of The Thing

**This one is a special double-drabble because I couldn't think of how to trim it down. This one makes fun of Katara, because after torturing Zuko so much, well, I believe in equality for the sexes. :laugh:**

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**The Principle Of The Thing**

A polite but pointed cough resounded through the angry group.

"A_hem_."

Her brother, her friend, her fiancé, and the creepy old man graced Katara with their full attention.

"I have decided not to go through with this marriage," she declared. Sokka whooped loudly. Zuko swallowed the urge to glare. Sure he hadn't been raving about it himself, but he _did_ want a way home without capturing the Avatar, and besides it's not like a person _wants _to hear that someone won't marry them. Hard on the self-esteem, you know.

"My grandmother," Katara continued, "refused to participate in an arranged marriage, and I always admired GranGran, so I've decided to follow her footsteps and run away to the South."

They all stared for a minute, even the two firebenders.

"But...you're _from_ the South," Zuko pointed out.

"Then I shall run away to the Earth Kingdom!"

"But we don't know anyone there besides the King and that pretty-boy," Sokka said.

"Then I shall run away to help the Avatar!"

_"REALLY?"_ Aang sounded a bit too happy.

"You were already doing that," Zuko said. Katara frowned at his logic.

"Perhaps you don't need to run away..." Iroh began soothingly.

"Of course I have to run away!" Katara shouted. "THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF RUNNING AWAY FROM AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE! If you don't run away you're not doing it right!"

Zuko held his forehead and groaned.


	10. Desperate Times, Desperate Measures

**Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures**

"This is your last chance, Prince Zuko! We've tried reasoning with her, but that failed miserably. And kidnapping her is out of the question."

"Why is kidnapping out of the question?" Zuko asked, imagining all the ways to mock someone who let themselves be kidnapped.

"Remember your last battle! She's a formidable female opponent. It could be worse this time. Instead of knocking you unconscious she might..." here Iroh's voice dropped to a whisper, "...castrate you."

"So!" Iroh continued brightly, oblivious to Zuko's horror. "There's only one choice left: we'll have to kidnap the lemur."

"THAT'S your plan? Kidnap the lemur?"

"Well," Iroh huffed, "That or you could try and make her fall in love with you or something."


	11. Wooing Katara: 1st Attempt

Happy new year! Hope your Christmases and Soltices were something to be remembered fondly.

I know some of you were looking forward to a lemur-kidnapping chapter. Unfortunately for the Spirits (who get amused by that sort of thing) and all of us (same), Zuko managed to convince Iroh of the inherent folly in such a venture (the word "rabies" was mentioned repeatedly, and with great emphasis), and so we are left with option number 2.

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**Wooing Katara: 1st Attempt**

Katara was walking back from bathing in the river, hair still wet and feeling a bit cold since she'd forgotten her coat, when Zuko approached and cleared his throat.

"Miss Katara, please consent to marry me."

"Your eyes are like… water…y ….sapphires… "

"...and your skin… like…like…You know what? Never mind. Screw this, I'm actually gay. I'm very VERY gay. All that time in the Navy is what it is. What's another word that means more gay than gay? Oh, right. I'm FLAMING gay! No, I'm FIERY gay! In fact I'm so gay that..."

The admittedly flabbergasted Katara was not so shocked by his rant that she failed to notice how Zuko's eyes spent the entire conversation leveled at her chest. In fact he was so busy staring at her damp, clingy shirt that he didn't even see the punch coming.

"Pervert," she muttered, and kicked his unconscious body once for good measure.


	12. Wooing Katara: 2nd Attempt

Because sometimes I'm not terribly original, and because I love mixing dialogue from Joss Whedon shows with other fandoms (usually via icons), this drabble is a dialogue-heavyhomage to the _Buffy The Vampire Slayer_episode "No Place Like Home", written by Douglas Petrie and directed by David Solomon. Those of you who know the episode will hopefully be amused at the familiar language, but it should work just as well for those who haven't. If not, well… it amuses me. :) And by all means, watch Buffy. Because it is awesome.

This one's also way too long, so forgive me for breaking drabble structure. Others will not be this long. Though to make up for that I did sneak in a Christmas reference, if you can catch it.

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**Wooing Katara: 2nd Attempt**

Katara was putzing around the campsite, wondering why they were still in this same village. But without Zuko outright threatening to kill them, Aang seemed in less of a rush to leave, especially since he had yet to successfully ride the local man-eating bears. As she pondered, she noticed Zuko standing nearby.

"What are you doing here?" she snapped, "I said I was running away and not getting married to you."

Zuko scowled, "Passing through the forest contemplating the political ramifications of your incessant and pointless rejection of---"

"Five words or less,"she cut him off, waving a waterwhip threateningly.

"Out. For. A. Walk. …Bitch."

"Out for a walk, near our campsite? I don't have time for this, Princey."

Zuko's scowl grew to three times its size. "I'll be on my merry way, then."

He turned and stalked off, pausing after about ten feet to look back and snap, "You know, contrary to one's self-involved world-view, your camp happens to be directly between parts... and other parts of this forest. That's it. Satisfied? You know, I really hope so because Agni knows you need some satisfaction in life besides puddle-frolicking with Junior Air Monkey and I never really liked you anyway and—and you have stupid hair!"

That having been said, Zuko promptly ran away. Sokka, who just arrived, looked at his sister. "That guy _is_ a prince, right?"

"Inbreeding," she shrugged.


	13. Wooing Katara: 3rd Attempt

**Wooing Katara: 3rd attempt **

They saw his face grow stern and cold, they saw his muscles strain,  
and they knew that Zuko wouldn't let her turn him down again.  
The sneer has fled from Zuko's lip, his teeth are clenched in pride.  
He marches to the girl, with flowers and a rhino, to offer her a ride.

After long debate and coaxing, she appears to acquiesce.  
The ride is over quickly, and he leans in for a hopeful kiss.  
Now the waterbender holds the flowers, now she lets them go,  
and now the mood is shattered with the force of Katara's blow.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright.  
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light.  
And somewhere men are laughing, and little children shout,  
But there is no joy in Mudville -- Prince Zuko has struck out.

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**See the poem"Casey At The Bat" by Ernest L. Thayer,** which thisdrabble borrows both structure and language from, with three verses reformatted to make a short drabble. The poem has all my love, and rewriting it into a fanfic for this parody series was a bit like a writing experiment for me. I left "Mudville" in the final line as an overt homage to the poem, because I think this is one of the most famous 20th century American poems and "there is no joy in Mudville" a well-recognized part of pop culture language. If you didn't read this poem in middle school, go google it right now.


	14. Wooing Katara: 19th Attempt

**Wooing Katara: 19th Attempt**

Suddenly, Katara laughed.

Zuko stopped his latest failing proposal and stared.

Music began to rise. Trumpets echoed in the distance. The clouds parted and a single ray fell to Earth to illuminate the glorious figure of the happy, giggling girl in front of him.

The angels wept.

A dynasty of Fire Lords rolled in their graves.

As for Zuko... he felt his insides wobble just a little.

He tried to fight it, really he did.

"Oh no," he whispered.

But there was no hope: the gods had had enough of this charade and decided to speed things along.

Zuko, in the long tradition of poetically over-sensitive teenagers, had fallen in love.


	15. Interlude: Aangst

I don't normally pimp fics, but this time I have to. Read "While You Loved Me"by Penguinlet. That has_ far_ too few reviews for far too amusing a beginning. 

Special triple-drabble this time! Beyond this chapter I was at writer's block for this fic, but thanks to some suggestions from Masako Moonshade I've gotten a few more ideas to play with. As it is, this chapter is for the Aang fans.

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**Interlude: Aangst**

Having conquered the man-eating bears, Aang was wandering about the local farmer's market (every Saturday, 9am to noon!), pondering on how much food they should stock up with before leaving. While browsing, he noticed a crotchety old woman having some trouble with her cane and grocery bag, and decided to help her across the street.

Thirty minutes later he was still walking with the woman, guiding her around the market and now towards her house, talking all the while.

"He's not a _bad_ guy..."

"...I don't even think she likes him!"

"I just want her to be happy…"

"… of course if it came down to a challenge I could TOTALLY kick his butt and stuff…"

"...but she's the girl of my dreams, and if she marries him, how will she marry **me**?"

He was in the middle of explaining how the deep blue of Katara's eyes would surely clash with Zuko's choice of furniture when something hard and small smacked him in the head.

"Ouch!" he yelped, jumping and holding the place above his ear. "What was that?"

"Me," the old woman said, a few tiny stones spinning in the air above her palm. "You're a nice young man, but you were giving me a headache."

Aang forgot his pain and exclaimed, "Wow, you're an Earthbender! Are you a master? Can you teach me?"

"I am, I was, and absolutely not."

"Why not?"

"Look at me young man! I'm too old and too arthritic to go flinging boulders at people. My children are all highly accomplished benders, however, and I'm sure one of them will teach you."

"All of them are benders?"

"Yep. I've three earthbenders and a waterbender."

"Wait… waterbender?"

"Yeah, that was an awkward conversation with my husband." She paused, then gave a little cackle for effect.

The effect produced was a tad too scary, and Aang hurried to change the subject. "But… they'll teach me earthbending?"

"Sure thing. Now come along, boy! And don't drop my groceries."


	16. Interlude: Why Iroh Always Wins Pai Sho

**Interlude: Why Iroh Always Wins At Pai Sho**

While Zuko was having his romantic epiphany, Iroh had been busy in his own way.

"And then he pulled on a cord and shot up into a tree, and she practically _drooled!_" Sokka said derisively. "It was embarrassing, is what it was."

"And this young freedom fighter was dashing and mysterious, I presume? Did he have a mask?"

"Nah, but he had two swords. Two! Couldn't have just _one_ sword, oh no, he had to have _two!_ He was a total jerk and she fell for the dangerous rebel thing hook, line, and sinker. If I hadn't been there to set her straight who knows what strange ideas she'd have got into her head."

"Some girls are prone to exciting romantic notions," Iroh agreed, adjusting the angle of his pole to the water. He'd decided to take the surly one pier fishing, and the experience was doing wonders for the young man's attitude.

"My sister's not just prone to them," the water tribe boy replied after a moment of thought, "I think she has some sort of disease that makes her literally unable to resist them."

"Women..." Iroh said wisely.

"Women," Sokka agreed.


	17. A Many Splendored Thing

It's been a while, folks. It will be a while still before more. But I had this thought, so here you go.

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**A Many Splendored Thing**

Prince Zuko finally got Katara alone. They stood under the dappled shadows of the oak trees, light filtering through the branches to make everything soft and warm.

"I know this sounds strange, but believe me. Along the line, amidst all this craziness, I actually started to like you. I think I might even—"

"Alright stop! RIGHT THERE! FULL STOP! Don't say anything else!"

"But, Katara—"

"No! —What _happened?_ Did someone just turn a screw in your head and suddenly you're in love with me?"

"Well, actually..."

"That's not love! That's food poisoning!"

"My love is not food poisoning."

"It could be!"


	18. Momoshia’s Revenge

**Momoshia's Revenge**

"She doesn't believe me!"

"Surely it can't be that bad, nephew."

"Uncle, she thinks it's a case of _Momoshia's Revenge_."

"Oh dear. That happened to a friend of mine once when we snuck across the border into Ba Sing Sei for a street party—they have the best parties. Tragically, he never recovered. Ate a bad soy roll and ended up married to the constable's grandson."

"What? That has nothing to _do_ with my problem!"

"Well, if you have _Momoshia's Revenge_—"

"I didn't eat a bad soy roll! I'm in love!"

"You did save the last roll, right? We'll need it for the girl. Excellent plan, Prince Zuko. I truly am impressed."

"But—"

"To the kitchens!"


	19. All Good Here

Thanks for all the reviews, you guys! And, if you didn't catch it, last drabble was a reference to Montezuma's Revenge, otherwise known as bacterial poisoning that tourists get from drinking bad water in Mexico. It causes a lot of barfing, so always remember to travel with bottled water. Or you could just live off tequila-- that causes barfing too, but more fun.

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**All Good Here**

"I think it might be food poisoning," Katara said, picking at a loose thread on her pants. Beside her, Aang sat with his back very straight.

"Katara…do you think Zuko is... cute?"

"Uh..." Katara stared at Aang dumbly for a moment, then remembered to balk. A little late, but still. "Of course not. I mean, he's got a scar. A big one. On his face."

Aang's face screwed up into a frown. "...But you don't like him the way he likes _you_, right? If he really does. This could all be a trap."

"Wait, so if an older, attractive guy says he's fallen in love with me you think it's a trap, and all about _you_, Mr. Avatar!"

"Hey!" Aang pointed accusingly. "You said you didn't think he was cute!"

"Well I lied!" Katara snapped. "Look at his body. And he's, like, _sixteen_. But he could never REALLY love me anyway, according to the great Avatar!"

"You thought it was food poisoning!"

"IT IS!" she shouted. "And I don't like him!"

"Good!"

"Good!"

"Right!"

"Fine!"


	20. Obligatory Exposition and Pants On Fire

This one breaks the drabble format, unfortunately. I just had to get some exposition in there, to catch y'all up on where everyone is right now. It also doesn't have much of a punchline, but it still goes for humor. It also occurred to me as I updated these last few times that I should have put a warning at the beginning of how OOC all the characters were going to be, especially Zuko and Katara. But I guess that's the point of a parody, isn't it? And they started acting OOC after like chapter 3, so I guess it's not news to you guys. :laugh:

Enjoy chapter 20.

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**Obligatory Exposition and Pants On Fire**

The truth was, sometimes Katara was a big fat liar.

Okay, maybe not fat—actually, she wouldn't mind a little _more_ fat in her chest region, but she was still growing so there was hope yet that she'd go past an A, maybe even past a B—but a big liar, still.

You see, it'd been at least a month since Zuko had first delivered his forced proposal from the Fire Lord and started this whole fiasco. Since then he'd proposed to her, what, almost two dozen times? It felt like it, at least. And all that time Aang had been helping the locals or riding animals, and just now had managed to snag a teacher because some villager had a blind granddaughter who was apparently "just so amazing" at earthbending. Katara hadn't met her yet, so she couldn't say. Anyway, she'd been practicing with the scrolls she got from the Northern Tribe and her brother had been learning to make weapons from the local blacksmith when he wasn't spending time with that creepy (but funny, Katara admitted) old man Iroh.

After a few weeks of this, even though she told everyone she still despised the prince, she'd actually stopped totally hating Zuko's evil firebending guts. The truth was, since he started stalking her, she'd kinda gotten used to him. And his silly proposals. Not that she was considering them. But they were almost endearing in how pathetic they were.

When Zukoquit proposing a political marriage that would end the war and ensure world peace (or at least peace for the Water Tribes, the Earth Kingdom was probably still on the "to go" list) and started confessing his _true love,_ Katara started to get nervous.

It had to be joke, right? He'd decided to lie and trick her into marrying him by confessing his _true love_ while staring at her with his big, golden puppyfox eyes and his pouting lips and his muscular arms and his—

Katara stopped thinking and looked down at her sandwich in suspicion.


	21. From the Fire Nation, With Love

**From the Fire Nation, With Love**

_Read carefully, you shit-brained eunuch ingrate—ahem—Dear_****_BELOVED SON,_

_I am terribly unhappy to be informed that you still have not managed to find your wife and bring her back with you. You ARE a prince. Surely getting a woman to agree to marry you and rule the most powerful nation in the world—no thanks to you, btw—is not that hard. Your sister could have gotten herself a wife by now, and she's not even a man. Must you fail in every task I set before you? Here I offer you a chance to go home without the Avatar and you bungle this mission as well. My good patience is growing thin. All the Northern Tribes, not just hers, are threatening to resume hostilities en masse if I don't produce proof that you intend to marry this girl. This girl that YOU got yourself engaged to, need I remind you. Honestly, I thought your uncle would have taught you not to give jewelry to girls just because you want to get into their skirts; it gives them the wrong impression. _

_Get your act together,_

_Daddy_


	22. Of Course, Of Course

Of Course, Of Course

After having been frightened into a centimeter of new hair by his father's letter and_ then_ recruited against his will into Uncle Iroh's efforts to recreate a dish that would deliberately give his true love food poisoning, one could say that Zuko was feeling pretty sorry for himself.

"And where did that man say the cumin was?"

Zuko brooded his non-answer in his uncle's general direction.

"Now if we add this cheese that seems to have passed its adviced consumption date...Zuko, you're not participating. This was your idea."

"It was no such thing. I refuse to participate. I will not poison the girl I love."

Iroh putzed over a large mixing bowl on the counter. "You know, nephew, I admire your dedication in making sure you contracted _Momoshia's Revenge _first. The change is remarkable; you seem completely genuine."

Zuko slammed both fists on the kitchen table. "I seem genuine because I am genuine! I'm genuinely in love!"

"Of course. Pass me that cup of three-day-old water." Zuko passed it to him.

"I'll stop you, know. Your evil plan to poison Katara will never succeed!"

"Of course. My my, you sounded so _heroic_ just now. As you should."

"Are you listening to me at all?"

"Of course."


	23. Didn't Your Momma Teach You Anything?

**Didn't Your Momma Teach You Anything?**

Iroh smiled reassuringly and set a small dish before her. "Here, Miss Katara, why don't you enjoy a soy roll. Three years at sea has afforded me many opportunities to perfect my cooking."

"Um, thank you," Katara said, daintily picking up the dumpling with her two cleanest fingers. Truth be told, she _was_ a bit hungry, and the old general showed up just when she was thinking about a snack. "I was just thinking about---"

_POP!_

The roll burst into flames; Katara dropped it with a mighty shriek. It continued to sizzle and smoke on the plate, bits of strangely-colored vegetable stuffs seeping out one side. The girl stared at it the way she would have stared at an alien, if an alien were to land right in front of her and then barf on her shoes.

"Damn that boy," Iroh grumbled, and took the plate back. 


	24. Real Communication

**Real Communication  
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Katara found the prince brooding outside the port's little tea house, steaming teacup in hand. She pointed an accusing finger. "Your family is weird!"

Zuko raised his good eyebrow. His only eyebrow, really.

"That old man tried to get me to eat this suspicious dumpling, and then it just EXPLODED in my face. Exploded!"

The prince nodded, and replied, "I know."

Katara was flummoxed. "How can you just sit there so calmly?" she asked. "What is _wrong _with you people? Are all Fire Nation men so insane? Is this because of the royal inbreeding?"

A muscle twitched in Zuko's neck. "There has been no inbreeding in the Fire Nation royal family, Katara. We have laws forbidding a union with anyone closer than a second cousin." 

"Oh," she said, not bothering to hide her disappointment.

"My uncle is a little eccentric, but he means well."

"It _exploded_."

"Well, I did that part."

Katara's face went pale, then she dumped her canteen of water on his head. "I thought you had changed!" she shouted, and ran off crying. 

Used bending water dripped off Zuko's chin into his tea. He pulled to mind all the situations he'd seen her use it, and for what.

"Eww..."


	25. Priorities

**Priorities**

Sokka found Aang sitting on a rock pillar a few dozen feet in the air. Apparently the earthbending lessons were going well.

"Aang?"

"Sokka!" The Avatar's face and hands appeared over the edge, smiling wide.

"Aang, we need to talk. About my sister."

"WHAT?" the Avatar shouted down to him, "TALK LOUDER!"

"WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT MY SISTER!" Sokka shouted up the rock.

"WHAT ABOUT KATARA?"

"THIS THING WITH PRINCE CANCER-MOUTH IS STARTING TO WORRY ME!"

"WHAT? WHO HAS CANCER? DOES KATARA HAVE CANCER?!"

"NO, WAIT, NO ONE HAS CANCER! THIS ZUKO THING, IT'S A PROBLEM!"

"IT'S OKAY, KATARA PROMISED ME SHE DIDN'T LIKE HIM!"

"SHE'S A GIRL, YOU CAN'T TRUST HER ABOUT THIS STUFF!"

There was a moment of silence from the rock pillar. Sokka tapped his left foot and thought of meat sandwhiches.

At last Aang's voice called down, "WHAT DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD DO?"

"WE NEED TO STRATEGIZE, IN SECRET! SO GET DOWN HERE!"

There was more silence. Sokka was starting to get annoyed. Obviously, learning a new element was going to Aang's head, making him think he could sit up above everyone and make them shout all their secret plans to the _public_.

"SOKKA?"

"WHAT?"

"I'M STUCK. I CAN'T EARTHBEND."

Sokka put his face in his hands. So much for _that_. "SO AIRBEND DOWN!"

"SHE SANK MY ANKLES INTO THE ROCK! ...CAN'T WE STRATEGIZE LIKE THIS?"

"NO, AANG, THIS ISN'T SECRET AT ALL! SHOUTING IS THE OPPOSITE OF SECRET!"

"I'M SORRY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!"

Sokka's stomach growled. "I'M GOING TO GO GET A SANDWHICH; WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS LATER!"

"WAIT, COME BACK SOKKA! DON'T LEAVE ME UP HERE! SOKKA!" The Avatar's stomach growled. "CAN I HAVE ONE?"

Comments:

I've long claimed this fic to be OOC, but a few kind reviewers have said it's really not _that_ OOC, which makes me smile and giggle a bit, because it is and it isn't. I've had a lot of fun playing with preposterous plot developments but sneaking in little bits of genuine character. Zuko's wild emotional swings, definitely part of his character in season 2. Katara's self-righteousness and susceptability to flattery are also there... as are Iroh's perpetual perkiness and his manipulative streak. Actually, I try to take their usual traits and just exaggerate them way past the point of being OOC. I have a great love of the ridiculous when it comes to Avatar. It's probably why this fic will never end. Are you listening? It make take months, MONTHS, between updates, but this fic will probably never end.

To be honest with you, my readers, I have way, WAY too much fun with this fic . I like throwing random little things in there just to tickle my own private (and odd) sense of humor. In the last chapter-drabble: Zuko was introduced holding a teacup while brooding, two very un-Zuko things to be seen doing simultaneously; Katara accused Zuko of having a weird family, like he previously accused her of having stupid hair; Katara's ongoing obsession with the theory that FN royal inbreeding is the cause of the war and all the world's problems; Katara uttered my favorite line from Crossroads of Destiny, but under much different circumstances; Zuko has the same reaction to Katara's bending water that Sokka had in the desert; Zuko suddenly and with no explanation, is not acting swooning lovesick puppy anymore, but is able to hold a normal conversation... who knows what he'll be next time?

The point here, I guess, is to give you guys a glimpse into what I get out writing the fic, since all of you wonderful and loyal readers have reviewed with your thoughts to tell me what you get out of reading it. I wanted to inform you that I appreciate you all sharing your thoughts, and to reciprocate the act with my own.

Parting thought: The soundtrack for FLCL makes surprisingly good background music for writing this fic. 


	26. Subtlety, Honesty, And Other Useful Tric

**Subtlety, Honesty, And Other Useful Tricks**

Enamoured with the idea of subterfuge, Sokka thought he'd embark on the first step of his anti-Zuko campaign with a carefully planned psychological attack. "You are aware I despise your existence with all the venom of a starved leopard-rattler."

"I'm aware of it." The prince was only there because Uncle suggested he "make nice."

Sokka tossed his boomerang from one hand to the other. "You look pretty serious about this."

"I am completely serious."

"In that case," Sokka replied, "Time to clue you in to a few things. Not because you deserve it or for your own good, but so that you can fully understand what you're getting into by trying to court Katara."

Zuko narrowed his eyes, and said, "Nothing you say can dissuade me from pursuing my love."

The water tribe boy looked off into the distance, a picture of candor and solemnity. "I don't think a guy like you wants Katara as his queen."

"I see nothing disagreeable in her."

"Pphhth," Sokka waved, "That's the love talking." He turned back with a wide, brilliant gaze of blue. The effect was disconcerting, and the other boy felt his skepticism ebb slightly.

"What...What are you saying?"

"Trust me, your highness. You don't want to marry Katara. She's a free spirit. She's got..._ideas_."


	27. Locke, Shock, And Ballot

**Locke, Shock, And Ballot**

They sat around the evening meal (the Avatar's posse never passed up free food, even when it included a side helping of awkward-conversation-due-of-course-to-their-as-yet-unresolved-social-situation-and-also-Sokka's-table-manners.)

"So... Katara..." All eyes zipped from Zuko to her. She chomped on her cabbage quiche and ignored them. "Hypothetically... if you were to ever rule a country... what would you do?"

Katara set her fork down. "Do you really want to know?"

"Yes."

"Well, okay then," Katara replied, and smiled so bright the room seemed to light up. She leaned forward in her chair. "For starters..."

Then she laid it on them. Not just her thoughts, not just her daydreams: she gave them _every single plan _for social reform that had ever crossed her mind.

"Self-determination is the most important--"

"It's the social contract! Natural law!"

"Pluralism is the heart of any multi-party system, of course..."

"Representation!"

"Men, women, anyone old enough to join the army,"

"--will of the majority--"

Grinning the glee of a true believer, Katara slammed her fist on the tabletop so hard the goblets jumped. "There could be ELECTIONS!"

The dishes eventually rattled to a stop on the wooden surface. Silence hung heavily around the dinner table. Despite an admirable effort to school his features, Prince Zuko's single eyebrow twitched.

"What?" she asked. "Why are you all looking at me like that?"


	28. Toph Bei Fong & Mr Iroh

Yes, it is time.

* * *

**Toph Bei Fong and Mr. Iroh**

"I think it's time you held up your end of the deal."

Iroh smiled. "You're certainly direct for a person your age. I find it refreshing."

Toph Bei Fong did not smile, much the same way that close-circling squid-sharks do not smile. "Iroh, I want my _money_."

Two months ago Miss Toph, by the prodigious combination of fast talking and flow charts she'd earth-drawn into her mother's rock garden, had merrily escaped the Bei Fong estate to be apprenticed out to her earthbending relatives. It was brilliant! It was grand! To practice her art and go anywhere she wanted was every bit as freeing and transcendent an experience as she'd imagined it would be!

Unfortunately, a month later she realized she was now stuck in a shanty little port town with no allowance, and unable to gamble for her pocket money after being caught by the constable the last six times and nearly sent home. More creative measures were required if she wanted to expand her mail-order action figure collection.

Iroh had provided the opportunity she needed, but evidently he had now taken into his head to play chicken. "Why are children so hasty?" he asked. "Have some tea."

Toph drank the tea, because she was thirsty, and incidentally had no qualms beating up someone after drinking their tea.

"Miss Toph, I had something you might like even better."


	29. Harsh Light of Day

**  
**

**Harsh Light of Day**

The morning after the dinner party Sokka was feeling good. The Fire Nation were a bunch of chauvinist windbags, worse than even the grouchiest, ancientest Water Tribe warrior—who was just set in his ways and misunderstood, poor old guy—and surely hearing Katara's extravagant plans for fixing the planet would cure Ass Prince of any notion of marriage.

He turned a corner, heard something suspicious, and dove behind a pile of baskets to hide while the voices got progressively louder.

"Not good enough! You arranged for me to teach the Avatar earthbending and keep him distracted. If you want my services to continue—"

"I most certainly do, Miss Toph." General Iroh! Sokka knew firebenders were dastardly liars, but this was low. Sokka felt so betrayed!

"—then give me cash. Or I might get _upset_."

Sokka heard the general sigh, then the clink and chink of coins. He jumped from the basket pile, pointed at the old man and the young girl, and shouted:

"Our fishing trip this weekend is _so_ canceled!"


	30. No One Likes A KnowItAll

One should give credit where credit is due, right? Though I haven't looked at it in probably 2 years, I think I subconsciously owe some of the inspiration for this fic to Link & Luigi's "**Naruto Primer**", a 100-chapter parody on incomparable awesomeness. Although quite different from Culture Clash, if I hadn't read Naruto Primer at some point, I might never have approached this fic with the same zeal and enthusiasm. If you like Naruto at all, you owe it to yourself to read Link & Luigi's fic. They win the internet, still!

And yes, it's time! It's time for Toph, and it's time for Azula. Also, sometimes misspellings are intentional. :)

* * *

** No One Likes A Know-It-All**

Princess Azula leapt from the bowsprit of her birthday ship, somersaulted twice mid-air, and landed on the dock in a perfect en-pointe _plié_.

A village sailor sitting nearby whistled, then screamed when a bolt of lightning destroyed the wooden beams holding him above the water. The sound of his pathetic splashes brought extra sparkle to Princess Azula's glamorous golden eyes.

"Earth Kingdom citizens," she shouted, "your new princess has arrived! At my word the wrath of Ozai will fall upon you, and as your new ruler I declare that this city, formerly known as Pau Ying, will be named New Azulon, after my merciless grand—"

Someone on her ship coughed. Azula spun around and glared.

"WHAT IS IT CAPTAIN?"

"Um, my lady..."

"SPIT IT OUT!"

"This is not Pau Ying. This is Sozinville, which Commander Zhao conquered eight yea—"

There was a magnificent crack, a fizzle, a _plop _not unlike the one a corpse might make falling into the water, and then silence.

"Lieftenant, where do _you_ think we are?"


	31. It's A Small Town After All, It's A Smal

**It's A Small Town After All, It's A Small...**

"Katara, this is Toph, my earthbending teacher. Toph, this is Katara!"

When Katara looked at Toph, her jaw fell off her chin. Nearly. "You?" she gasped.

Shiny white teeth and empty white stare: "Hey."

"But... you live right on the other side of the clearing. We can see your backyard from our camp!"

"Yeah?" Toph said with affected curiosity. "I've never looked."

"I helped you carry your groceries last week!" Katara sputtered. "And... you convinced me to buy you an entire basket of fruit!

She pointed her finger in accusation, a gesture wholly lost on its intended audience. "You...you _scammed_ me."

"You walked into it, Pumpkin. The mangos were delicious."

"Aang, you," Katara snarled, "cannot let someone like this teach you. She's an amoral conwoman!"

It was the earthbender's turn to bristle. "Conwoman? I'm twelve, I'm undersized for my age, and I'm _blind_. Have some sympathy for crippled children!"

"Katara, Toph, I don't want anyone to fight——"

"SHUT UP AANG!" both girls shouted.


	32. You're Thinking Too Hard

Back to our favorite earnest young royal.

**

* * *

**

**You're Thinking Too Hard**

Zuko was having an even worse week than the one before (which had included such memorable highlights as exploding food gifts and multiple progressively worse romantic rejections.) The reality of his complete failure in this mission and in his personal goal of getting the girl of his dreams to notice his existence hung over him like a black miasma of undigested devotion.

He'd tried everything: he'd proposed a formal peace treaty between their two nations, he'd stalked her to learn more about the things she liked, he'd fought her brother for her honor, he'd brought her flowers, his socially well-respected uncle had talked to her on his behalf, he'd openly declared his true and noble feelings, he'd saved her at the last minute from potentially lethal culinary choices, he'd been unfailingly honest, and just the other day he'd sat through an entire dinner with her family and friends.

He couldn't figure what else was left _to_ do.

"You've got to pounce on her," said the crotchety old woman.

"What?" yelped Zuko, as he helped her across the street.

"Or get 'er to pounce on you, that's even better," said the old woman. "You carry that grocery bag all the way to my house and I'll tell you a trick guaranteed to make your little lady-girl all a'twix in her nethers at the very thought of you. Come along, staring is very unattractive in a person your age."


	33. Conflict of Interest

**Conflict of Interest**

The Avatar decided that the best way to advance his education in dual bending styles was to include his earthbending sifu in more aspects of his regular day. Get her feeling like she was part of the gang, and all that. They were doing lunch. 

Toph, happily chewing on a free piece of fireflake bread, felt a bundle of vibrations drift into her periphery. "Who's that?"

"Oh, that's Sokka. He's Katara's older brother," said Aang, "and my other best friend. He's a warrior! He's better at jokes, though. Um, don't tell him I said that!"

Toph was very good at keeping secrets, and said as much. But what she was really focused on was the boy-shaped resonance named Sokka, and how neat it was that his heart beat in iambic tetrameter.

"Does he like collectables?"


	34. Good Help Is Hard To Find

**Good Help Is Hard To Find**

This was the right port. Azula was sure this was the right port--and if it wasn't someone was going to end up with a new respect for conductivity.

"What did you say this ratslug hole was called again, Lieftenant?"

"Visitor's Rue, Princess."

"Aah. I'm experiencing that already. Are we sure the Avatar is here?"

"No, Princess."

"Are we sure my traitorous relatives are here?"

"No, Princess."

"Then why are _we _here, Lieftenant?"

"Your Highness will recall the directive your venerable and ever-living father the glorious Fire Lord Ozai, Son of a Thousand Sacred Fires, Guardian of Flame of Truth, Bearer of the Torch of the Spirits, sent to your Highness with the last seagull..."

"Hnn. Yes. Something about a recent shortage of trained officers and unacceptable turnover rates."

"Your Highness will recall that we are now shorthanded, and needs must--"

"Lieftenant."

"Yes, Princess?"

"I don't care who we pick up but if we're not at the right port within four days you're going to personally discover what being 'short-handed' means."

"...Yes, Princess."


	35. Consumer Youth

**Consumer Youth**

"That's my action figure collection." She added, "Cool, isn't it?" with full expectation that the person she was addressing would be suitably impressed. Toph was new to the idea of wanting to impress anyone; it was something she'd never been required to do as a shut-in.

"Those... aren't action figures," Sokka said, voice trembling. "Those are... those are hand-carved rock sculptures by Zhan Wang, the greatest sculptor in the Earth Kingdom! I saw a copy of one for sale when I bought my amazing new bag. Each figurine is worth more than a small house and only available through mail-order pre-purchase!"

"Really?"

Toph wiggled her fingers, and one statue punched another in the face. To Sokka's horror, while that was happening, two of the other figurines, with little paper tags stuck to their heads with the kanji for "K" and "Z" scribbled in shockingly poor handwriting, began necking like there was no tomorrow.

"They look like action figures to me."

* * *

-Toph knows the alphabet because her grandmother made her write 200 sentences in the sand whenever she tried to trick the village children into bending lewd rock sculptures. The labelled tags are purely for the benefit of Sokka's horror; Toph is considerate like that.


	36. Schandenfreude

**Schandenfreude**

Prince Zuko found Katara darning socks at her camp--in the forest, behind the old earthbender's house, two hundred paces from town and a measly four minute walk from the beach; it saddened him to know these imbeciles were guarding the Avatar, even if one was his true love. Keeping one eye fixed on her needle in case she remembered she was holding it at the right moment, Zuko approached his fiancee from behind. 

"Katara," he said, in a just-below-normal tone of voice.

"What is it Zuko?" She sounded bored--not even a decent twinge of anger! Zuko almost wilted, but he remembered the old woman and swallowed his fear.

He leaned in, over her shoulder, and said as softly as he could, "Whose are those?"

Katara's needle faltered a stitch, then resumed. "Mine," she said.

"You're working hard for such a pleasant afternoon," he replied as non-threateningly as possible. He pointed to the romantic blue sky, one finger just barely in her vision but his thumb and palm touching her shoulder. "You have remarkable discipline."

Katara set her sock on her lap; Zuko's eyes followed the sharp, sharp needle. She turned and looked at him over her shoulder. "What do you think you're doing?"

Here it was: the moment! He was still touching her shoulder, and she hadn't castrated him yet. They were inches apart. Prince Zuko felt the perfect words rise from his heart up through his vocal chords, sinuous and delicate and unbridled...

"Nothing."

...and he was a pig-chicken.

"Should be used to it then," Katara snapped. In a calm and lady-like movement worthy of Princess Yue on her best snow day, Katara took up her sewing materials, stood gracefully, stabbed the prince of the Fire Nation in the hand, and then bolted.

Toph crossed her backyard and examined the murderous firebender heartbeat of the vile enemy prince. He was sucking on the back of his hand and dancing a little from the pain. She slapped Zuko's shoulder like a brick might.

"Thanks, Charcoal Brains. That was the most pathetic thing I've never seen."


End file.
